The couple above are not happy. That was me and my partner twenty-five years ago after our first fight. At the time, I was an inexperienced painter, but the emotion of the moment comes through loud and clear. Somehow, we managed to stay together over twenty-five years, which gives me hope for the nation. Expressing anger is an important part of getting along. It is unreasonable to expect people to share the same house, community or country without disagreements. Couples unwilling to argue, likely have a hidden part bubbling dangerously underneath their exterior show of harmony. The inability to express feelings or beliefs may indicate fear — fear of reprisal, of being harmed or belittled or of not being taken seriously. It may explode in shouting, violence, or as in the current national situation, protests and riots.
As in boxing matches, fighting to communicate is a learned art form. It starts at the family level with members developing non-violent ways to express themselves honestly. A public protest is a sensible way to express opinions affecting people who believe they are not being heard through traditional communication channels. Protests attract the media and reach those who have never considered their viewpoint to engage in meaningful debate.
Fringe elements often join the fray violently to further their political agendas. Their aim is to push legitimate messages aside and get police to respond forcefully. By escalating emotions they cause ordinary citizens to retreat into preconceived notions fanned reinforced through social media. Photos and video clips move the public from from listening to social issues to responding to violence. Extremists divide the nation to further civil unrest, showing power as might equals right. They do not want an equitable society.
Unfortunately, protests also attract a true criminal element, those who destroy property, loot and steal. That group is lawless and should be subject to intervention, but we need to look long and hard at ways to stop generational crime.
Our country is an experiment, founded a belief that all men (and women) are created equal and a hope that we will respect each other. As a child, I pointed the the Statue of Liberty with pride and quoted its sign welcoming “the tired and poor, those yearning to be free.” I also believed in the ten commandments, still do, and take them seriously. All who reside in the U.S., including native people, immigrated to the “new world” and placed on a rich playground with a plethora of multicultural ideals. It brought misunderstanding and conflict but also the dream that a melting pot of races and cultures would make a better society. And, despite conflicts and ugliness plastered in headlines, I still think that way.
Living in harmony requires each of us to want the American experiment to succeed. Rather than knock-outs, it means finding ways to leave parties standing. Allowing for freedom of thought, religion, and expression is not an easy undertaking. It calls for fairness and justice and acting morally in the face of conflict. It provides room to err and to recover and grow from adversity. We can not keep attacking people (or politicians) for mistakes they made twenty to thirty years ago without recognizing that they may have changed.
Fighting fairly starts with being open-minded and not ruled by artificial biases before the contest begins. It requires focusing on the topic under discussion and not on past grievances. For example, at a national level, unrelated items tacked on to bills to garner congressional votes do the country a disservice. They hold the majority hostage, by allowing legislation to pass without discussion and agreement. Cooperation, the goal of winning the fight together rather than winning by competing, is the only way to go. There are ground rules for dealing with emotionally charged issues.
1. Observe without judging. Notice and express information without evaluating in terms of right or wrong. Notice that there is no evaluation, just factual observation, no time for taking cheep shots.
2. Express feelings. Hidden emotions are usually at the heart of failed communication. They often disturb and sabotage communication from within and cannot be addressed and solved because they are not known to your communication partner. Express your emotions in a considerate way, without judgment.
3. Express and clarify needs. Communication requires understanding the needs of the parties. The need to feel safe and not belittled. The need to have the other party give you their undivided attention.
4. Express specific requests based on your feelings and needs. After clarifying your emotions and needs, finish by making a clear request (what specifically does the other person have to do so that you can feel your needs have been met? You would say all of this in an open, honest and fair tone – without any mockery or aggression.
Since George Floyd’s murder, we’ve witnessed peaceful protests by a large majority of our population, violent actions by a minority who hold extremist beliefs, and unfortunately watched people who are looters. Peaceful protesters make it easy to understand their pain, absorb their feelings, to hear requests to eliminate choke holds, to demilitarize the police, eliminate racial profiling, and to improve the economic situation for those at the bottom of the pyramid. Those engaged in disruptive actions do not.
When issues come to the forefront, after fair analysis, in a democracy, we vote our way forward. Though the outcome may not please everyone , it will benefit the majority based on the information at hand provided everyone has the opportunity to vote and express his or herself,. This is what makes a thriving people able to live in harmony, even among those with whom we disagree.
References:
Sepi, A, (2014) The 4 Steps of Nonviolent Communication. Intercultural Communication Solution. retrieved from https://yourtranscreator.com/2014/07/11/the-4-steps-of-nonviolent-communication/
Brenner MD, G. (2018) The 4 Keys to Fighting Fair. Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201811/the-4-keys-fighting-fair
___________________________________________________________________________
Art is always for sale. Contact me at marilynne@eichingerfineart.com to discuss shipping.
First Fight – 35” x 25” / Acrylic on Canvas framed / $325
I look forward to hearing your comments on my blog site.
