It’s a New World
“Why do we fail?” I asked Mom. “So we can pull ourselves up again,” she answered.
The Bounceback Effect – Resilience
Several weeks ago, I mentioned that people attend boxing matches to watch battered fighters rally and win. They want their heroes to be as resilient as they wish they could be. It’s easy to speak of resilience as a trait to possess, but it’s difficult to pull yourself up when down. Why? What makes one person able to survive challenging ordeals while others crumble?
Though it may be difficult, most of us recognize the importance of not dwelling on failures. Psychologists agree that inner resilience is the basis of mental health and the secret of success. Parents lecture children to rise and face the demons keeping them down. They comfort children when they don’t win a spelling bee, or their team loses a match, admonishing them to try harder next time. People advise friends and partners not to dwell in self-pity when they lose a job or experience a loss. They may commiserate at first but will tolerate “just so much” of the person’s depression before turning away.
Having resilience is more than just bouncing back from adversity. For psychologists, it’s the ability to remain flexible in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors when faced with life disruptions and pressures to emerge stronger, wiser, and more able. A severe illness or unexpected death can invigorate a resilient person who, though knocked down by the event, grows from it. They discover hidden abilities within themselves and seek out friends who help them rise to meet their challenges. Over time, they alter their priorities, embrace meaningful values and goals, and eliminate unimportant things.
Finding a renewed purpose isn’t easy for people who aren’t naturally resilient. They may fall into a depression, not knowing how to emerge from it. I consider myself one of the lucky ones, though I worked hard to get here. I may cry for months when a door closes, yet I start an immediate search for another opening to walk through. I push myself out the door rather than sit around waiting to feel better.
Timelines vary for returning to normalcy after a loss. When a friend was depressed after her infant son’s death, her doctor said that, on average, it takes five years to get over grief. She was advised to reconfigure her days and assign the loss to a smaller part of the healing process. Reframing her situation and broadening her outlook enabled positive emotions to creep in. Though still grieving, she returned to work and spent time with friends.
Physical activities reduce the impact of stress, improving self-esteem and confidence. Participation in trusted social networks helps grieving people feel less isolated. I found it difficult to sell my company and retire. After the ink was dry, I enrolled in a pottery class and joined a writer’s group, where a new friendship circle developed over time. Knowing my strengths and using them developed new skills and the controls I needed to overcome the hurdle of being unemployed. Recognizing that setbacks are usually temporary, I remained optimistic about the future.
It’s easy to give advice but difficult to manage emotions to get to step one. Resilience starts with self-care: getting adequate sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and making time for relaxation and exercise. Emotions and stress can be regulated through meditation, mindfulness, exercise, and cognitively reframing challenges and opportunities. Learning to communicate your needs and to express your feelings promotes healing, leading to resiliency. By all means, seek help if you can’t get there yourself.
Setting well-defined and achievable goals and then taking small steps builds confidence and is rejuvenating. Being aware of negative thoughts, practicing gratitude, and considering setbacks as opportunities for growth and learning will take you out of a dark place. No one is born with a resilience gene. It is a trait that has to be developed and nurtured over the years, involving serious thinking about how to thrive in the 21st century. This era of rapid technological change with a burgeoning world population and climatic disruptions is challenging for everyone.
Those of us in a good emotional space need to be understanding of those who aren’t. People are experiencing unprecedented levels of PTSD due to the pandemic. Some are losing their homes due to extreme weather conditions. The news is full of stories of people with debilitating illnesses, losses due to accidents, and victims of crime. Immigrants are fleeing to our borders from war-ravaged countries and parched lands where livestock and plants no longer thrive. I have neighbors losing jobs due to artificial intelligence, robotics, age or gender discrimination, and racial bias. The flight from rural areas to cities continues to stress housing because big ag has taken over family farms, and companies are buying up water rights.
An employee who used a wheelchair used to call me a TAB, a temporarily able-bodied person. Looking at elders my age, I understand what she means. We will all struggle with mobility loss as we age. Your compassion can help friends and family develop the resilience to move on, and it will strengthen your skill to face adversity when it hits.
I’m in tune with the growing field of positive psychology initiated by Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. It’s a discipline focusing on states of normality and happiness rather than mental and emotional dysfunction. PTG (Post-Traumatic Growth) provides a way to find purpose in pain and look beyond the struggle. Their primary interest is identifying and building mental assets emphasizing meaning and deep satisfaction, not just fleeting happiness.
I look forward to your comments below.
“It’s a New World” is in a private collection.
To reach me for information about pieces of art on my website, contact me at marilynne@eichingerfineart.com
References:
Staff. (2023) Positive Psychology. Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/positive-psychology
Wilson, S, MD. From Post-Traumatic Stress to Post-Traumatic Growth. Vital WorkLife. Retrieved from TRAUMA
Sutton, J. Ph.D. (2029)What is Resilience and Why is it Important to Bounce Back? Positive Psychology. retrieved from https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-resilience/
Doyle, H. (2016) How to Thrive in the 21st Century: Educating a new generation of global citizens prepared to create, collaborate, and navigate the world’s complexities, Harvard Graduate School of Education. retrieved from https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/16/11/how-thrive-21st-century
