First Fight by Marilynne Eichinger

Smiling Anger

When I was younger, I went to a counselor who asked me, “Why do you always smile when you are angry or sad?” I did not realize that I had such a disconnect between my emotions and expression of them. After observing myself over time, I started to see that I even giggled occasionally when I had to express a negative opinion. My smile was a way of taking back the argument that expressed my feelings because I was afraid of the reaction I would get. The result was that whoever I was talking to did not believe the intensity of my words, thinking I was joking, and therefore discounted my effort at honest communication. This disconnect between verbal and non-verbal cues made it difficult for even the most empathetic individual to interpret my intent.

It is only since the mid-1960s that non-verbal communication has come under academic scrutiny. The relation between these two emotional processes, the display and the perception of affect via verbal and non-verbal cues, are skills related to emotional intelligence according to an article written for the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. This type of intelligence includes the ability to identify, use, understand, and manage emotions.

The capacity to display and perceive emotions is learned in childhood by those who are fortunate enough to have parents who are accurate perceivers and clear expressers of feelings. As part of their parenting responsibilities they teach their children the expressive skills. Unfortunately a great many parents act in an opposite manner and train their offspring to inhibit emotional expression. Though not demonstrative, their children may still be able to understand others and relate to subtle displays of emotion. For example, if a child observes abusive parents, he or she may be acutely attune to what is going on because his or her life depends on it. Since these children learn to be stoic and hide their emotions, they are not quite as successful at communicating their message to others.

Children raised in a highly expressive environment often do not need to hone their perception skills to the same level as others. The psychology article gives as a metaphor the following example, “If everyone is shouting then one does not need to hear very well to get the message, but if everyone is whispering then one needs to develop excellent hearing.”

Ideas and theories about perception and communication are quite complex and confusing. The intensity, implications and applications of the impassioned situation all play a part. My sister has severe emotional problems. She now faces a life threatening disease but is not upset or willing to acknowledge the seriousness of her situation. She does become angry at the young doctors whom she thinks are just out to get money or experience in the operating room. In some ways I envy her because her lack of fear is calming, her mood is positive. However, talking with her to discuss a medical plan of action is extremely difficult, and she becomes angry and even lies if anyone takes away her ability to make decisions. Independence is something that she is not willing to give up easily. She is reluctant to have anyone not see her in a weakened state.

There is a dilemma in how to interact with a person who is not in tune with their situation or able and willing to speak honestly of their concerns. Those who grow up being taught to live in a dispassionate manner have a handicap to overcome when older. Every person, at one time or other, will have a need to lean on another’s shoulder. Illness and aging are part of life’s processes that can be accommodated when systems are in place to deal with them. Building relationships based on giving and accepting a helping hand take a long time to develop. Those not internally aware and able to express their own emotions find this type of friendship difficult to obtain. Being able to voice concerns is making a statement that says, “ I am comfortable with myself at this moment in time, and not afraid to share my true feeling.” Overall happiness depends as much on emotional intelligence as it does on intellect.

Art work is always for sale at eichingerfineart.com.

Do you want to know more?

http://apps.olin.wustl.edu/faculty/elfenbeinh/ElfenbeinEisenkraft2010.pdf– Displaying and perceiving Nonverbal Cues.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/emotional-intelligence-eq.htm – on Emotional Intelligence.