An acquaintance told me, “It takes twenty years to make a friend.” It’s the experiences and intimacies shared over time that build trust. He has a point, though I think the process can occur more quickly.
Zach, our adopted homeless youth, considered everyone he met on the street to be his friend. It didn’t make a bit of difference if he had known the person for an hour, a week or ten years. Bound by lack of shelter and shared abusive childhoods helped him form instant attachments. He and his new friends needed a family to depend on for survival. His instant friends stood up for one another, at times foolishly but always without hesitation. Following is a story he shared. It is included in Over the Peanut Fence.
Zach, our adopted son, considered everyone he met on the streets be his friend. It didn’t
“About midnight, some kid would shout, ’you can spend the night at my place.’ Fifteen of us couch drifters might follow the invite. We would get there and party. When we got tired, we would find a place to sleep on the floor. If we got lucky, we got a piece of a bed or the sofa. Lots of times other people in the building would knock on the door or walls complaining of the noise.”
One evening, Jenny, a friend of Zach’s, had an apartment that became such a place. Jenny and two girlfriends shared the cost of rent, but when ten kids arrived for the evening, her roommates were not at all happy. As a party got underway and became increasingly raucous, they became angry and told them to leave. No one paid attention. Drugs and alcohol were passed around making the roommates even more upset. Finally, they called the police.
“Me and a friend were outside smoking at the time enjoying fresh air when we seen a police car approaching. We ran inside to clean up.”
When asked why he went back and didn’t run he said, “You never leave your friends hangin.’ It’s the first law of the streets.” Zach continued with what happened after the police arrived.
“All of a sudden I realized,” Zach said with a crooked grin, “that we had cleaned the apartment but forgot about what we was carrying on our bodies. I had a wad of pot in my pocket ready to be used in my soda-pop pipe. The bulge was so obvious that the cops cuffed us immediately. That’s when they found that my friend was carrying heroin and I got really scared. The police grabbed us roughly, ready to take us to the station and charge us for possession of illegal drugs.”
“I went crazy and screamed that I never used heroin. Luckily, I was backed by Jenny. The only thing the policemen had on me was possession of a small amount of marijuana so I was let go, but they were angry because I was belligerent. I was given a $1,200 ticket while my buddy was pushed out the door and taken to jail.” Zach had not met the boy before that evening and never spoke to him again once he was taken away. His interpretation of friendship was culturally different than mine.
Russian blogger Aliya Sagandykova writes, “When I asked my Spanish friend if it is better to have $100 in the wallet or 100 friends in life, he without a second of hesitation, chose $100. In post-Soviet countries this dilemma is not a dilemma at all. There is an old saying in Russian: ‘Instead of having 100 rubles, better have 100 friends.’” Russian literature abounds with proverbs and stories about the importance of being a loyal, affectionate, mutually trusting and faithful friend.
For years Sagadykova resided in Spain, observing that friends who socialize and share drinks and time together, have a barrier that keeps them from getting involved in problematic situations. People are on their own to find solutions and friends have no responsibility to come to their aid.
Though the United States also has proverbs glorifying friendship, Sagadykova sees American friends as being activity specific. For instance, they may have a golf, music, or book club friend but not see the person outside the relationship. She thinks we make friends easily but forget them just as fast.
Katja Kaila from Finland says in her country, friends are exclusive and you care careful with those you bring into your life. Friendship is a commitment that takes serious thought before it is allowed to happen. Leah Lochart of France believes America friends allow each other to escape from norms and do unsociable things like getting drunk or taking undo risks, while in France friends keep each other within norms by stopping unacceptable behavior.
Cultural differences around friendship help shape minds and direct behaviors. Some sociological studies that divide friendships into two categories based on individualism vs. collectivism. For instance, Zach was attracted to the collective, an amorous group of homeless and runaway youth. The group had rules that were followed rigorously. Gangs, fraternity and sorority members, and churches act similarly. Members are bound by mutual obligation to the collective.
Please understand that these divisions are overly simplistic. Variations exist within regions are influenced by religion, history, and socio-economic strata. Sociologists generalize that the majority of Asian, African, South American and Pacific Islands cultures are highly collectivist while American, Europe, and Australia cultures are more individualist, emphasizing personal identity, wishes, desires, autonomy, and values over that of the group. Individualist societies tend to focus on self-fulfillment, giving priority to personal rather than in-group goals. Individualists choose to enhance self-esteem and self-worth through association with selected groups. Sociologists say that those collectivist cultures tend to have fewer though closer friends than those in individualist societies.
I’m reminded of a song I learned in elementary school that influences me to this day.
Make new friends but don’t forget the old,
One is silver and the other is gold.
I cherish friends and like my family, am tied to them whatever their circumstances, wherever they live. I trust them and don’t view our relationship as a burdensome obligation. Their love and compassion provided me with years of comfort that enabled me to act foolishly at times. They supported me when I took risks and continue to help me live an interesting life.
References:
Sagandykova, A. (2014)The Importance of Friendship in Different Cultures. top Universities. retrieved from https://www.topuniversities.com/blog/importance-friendship-different-cultures
Kaila,K. (2017) How does the notion of friendship differ across cultures? Quora.retrieved from https://www.quora.com/How-does-the-notion-of-friendship-differ-across-cultures
Alex Bae, Y (20103) Differences in Friendship qualities of Korean and American College Students. Illinois Wesleyan University Honors Project. retrieved from http://digitalcommons.iwu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1000&context=psych_honproj
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