May 13, 2023

The Orator

Does he stand on his soapbox hoping his complaints will be heard by people who will do something about them? Or, does he just want to vent and have others agree with him?

Do older Americans complain more than those in their thirties, forties, and fifties? According to the National Institute of Health and Human Services, adults sixty-five and older complain less than adults who are younger. When they do complain, it is about youth feeling more entitled, narcissistic, and less self-sufficient than in past generations. Their feuds with youth are retaliated by comments such as; “Ugh, old people just don’t get it!” They call out elders for not taking action on climate change and gun control and see their parents as restive to the progressive policies they find important.

Elderly complainers existed as far back as antiquity. They are part of a cycle that repeats itself. According to University of California Santa Barbara psychologist John Protzko, complaining has a lot to do with memory. When 260 developmental psychologists were asked if they thought the current generation was better able to wait out temptation than their own generations, eighty-four percent thought today’s youth was more impatient. However, when children were given the “marshmallow test” for patience, the results showed today’s children as being better at delaying gratification.

So why do elders assume children have less control and are worse-mannered than when they were young? Part of the reason for their bias is that past memories aren’t recorded accurately. Remembered incidents are pieced together with disparate snippets of information stored in their minds over years, a fraction of which are true remembrances from a specific time period. Though there are exceptions due to socio-economic background, In general, adult complaints about youth are unfounded.

“Our brains grab the easiest bits of information we want to recall,” University of California Irvine psychologist Linda Levine concludes from the research she did on the memory of emotions. “Our memories of past relationships are colored by how we feel about those people now.” If you are going to judge kids today, you have to remember how they were when you were young, and that’s not easy to do. So, we fill in the gaps with information about ourselves in the present moment. More authoritarian adults are likely to say kids are less respectful of elders today than in the past. Better read adults, think kids are less interested in reading than they were when they were young. Highly intelligent adults are likely to think today’s youth are not as smart as the friends they grew up with.

A forty-year study of 8.3 million teenagers published in The Journal of Child Development proves my point. Rather than being unruly and going against parental wishes, today’s teens are more likely to listen. They avoid early sex, alcohol, drugs, and fast driving, preferring to spend their time scrolling through social media apps. They don’t date, work for pay, or go places without their parents. Instead of a part-time job or engaging in extracurricular activities, teens tethered to their devices stay isolated. Contrary to what complainers may say, less rebellious, more tolerant teens are also less happy. The hovering parent trend that started in 2000 keeps children more dependent and willing to stay young longer. Unfortunately, their childrearing practices have also led to skyrocketing suicide rates. The study, one among many, demonstrates how easy it is to complain without knowing the facts. Still–many people simply like to complain.

Complaining, an expression of dissatisfaction triggered by a negative situation, takes three forms. Chronic complainers ruminate on problems, focusing on setbacks over progress. Neuro-psychologists tell us that the brains of habitual complainers became re-wired to a particular way of thinking. And though chronic complainers have the ability to make their brains more positive, they don’t believe it’s possible. They continually lose control, spouting displeasures loud and clear. “The movie was awful. The contractor did bad work. The city council has made homelessness increase.” Though these are commonly heard complaints, they are not made by everyone. Some adults hold their tongues and keep negative thoughts private.

Venting is a second type of complaint. Venters focus on themselves and solicit attention with a show of anger and frustration. “The city’s going to hell. I don’t know how long I can take it.” Though they look for sympathy, they discount advice and proposed solutions. Their goal is to seek validation with little interest in solving the problem. Venting and chronic complaining are apt to raise blood pressure and dampen moods, results that make the complainers feel worse.

The instrumental complaint is a third type of complaint. Aimed at solving problems, it focuses on the impact of the problem, the importance of change, and the willingness to cooperate to create a plan for doing so. Instrumental complainers tend to be more mindful, complaining less. When they do, their words are strategic, and put their energy to work. “When I drive, I’m scared to death I’ll hit someone on a bicycle. I contacted my councilwoman. She said there were a lot of complaints about the new bicycle lanes. She’s looking into it to see what can be done.” Fewer complaints provide instrumental complainers with a happier view of the world. We would do well to follow their lead rather than spout numerous complaints that could take years away from your life.

Avoid dampening your mood by complaining only rarely
Complain only in instances where you believe it will affect real and positive change
Consider whether affirmation or some other strategy will work instead of complaining
Limit your exposure to complaining by limiting your exposure to complainers.

Do the complainers you know fit one of these three categories? Do you mind being around them? If so, how do you handle it? Comment on my blog site at www.eichingerfineart.com/blog

References:

Resnick, B. (2019) Why old people will always complain about young people. VOX. retrieved from https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2019/11/12/20950235/ok-boomer-kids-these-days-psychology

Resnick. b.(2018)The ” marshmallow test said patience was a key to success. A new replication tells us s’more. Vox. retrieved from https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2018/6/6/17413000/marshmallow-test-replication-mischel-psychology

Weller, C. (2017) A 40-year study of teens finds Generation Z avoids sex, alcohol, and driving at record rates. Insider. retrieved from https://www.businessinsider.com/generation-z-sex-alcohol-driving-study-2017-9

Biswas-Deiner, R. (2017) Three Types of Complaining. Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/significant-results/201706/the-three-types-complaining

Navidad.A. (2023) Marshmallow Test Experiment And Delayed Gratification. Simply Psychology/ retrieved from https://www.simplypsychology.org/marshmallow-test.htmlmarshmallow

Art is always for sale. The Orator is a 22″ by 18″ framed acrylic painting. It is available for $395 and shipped free to your home. For more information, contact me at marilynne@eichingerfineart.com

Over the Peanut Fence and Lives of Museum Junkies are available in print and ebook formats in bookstores and on Amazon.