Category: Psychology

Western Blue Bird
It is spring, when birds join together to produce and care for their offspring. All creatures have a need to be connected to others of their kind.
Acrylic on canvas/ framed/ 20.5” by 24.5”/ $375

Social Isolation – a Crisis of Our Time

Most recently, an elderly acquaintance was alone in a hospital room when his heart stopped beating. There were no friends or family around to hold his hand through his illness nor to mourn the moment of passing. When younger, this man led a vibrant, engaged ilife. He loved to travel, give thought provoking talks, party with friends, and enjoyed interacting with a wide circle of work contacts. By his waning years, however, most close friends were gone and he was left stranded alone. He had no children and his few relatives were either ill or had died years earlier.

Serving as a lay ministry at the Unitarian Church in Portland, made me aware of the large number of people who are socially isolated. About one-third of Americans over 65 are alone with their anxieties, depression, and health issues. The friends and family members they assumed would always be there to help them as they aged, dispersed throughout the country and are unwilling or unable to care for their needs. No one calls or stops by their home to chat. Those without children, peers, or counselors  are not able to share the ups and downs of life.  Feelings of loneliness often become a trigger, accelerating cognitive decline and premature death.

As a stuendt of human behavior, however, I am aware that social isolation is not exclusively a problem of the elderly, for it increasingly plagues youth and middle aged Americans. Health professions consider it a growing epidemic with severe mental, physical and emotional consequences. Some of their studies show childhood isolation to be the cause of poor health twenty years later.

In the United States, adults become isolated for many reasons. When moving to a new community because of a job opportunity, many people become immersed in their work, not realizing how important it is to reestablish close friendships. In other instances, it is friends or family members who do the moving, leaving the person behind with feelings of abandonment. Drug addiction, mental illness, sexual orientation, abuse and poverty cause some people to turn inward rather than share the embarrassing truth of their situation. Their problems are likely to push close acquaintances to withdraw their love and support. After all, who wants to deal with a drug addicted friend or one who is depressed? Not fun.

My greatest surprise was to discover the growing problem middle aged men face with loneliness. According to studies by Judy Chu and Niobe Way, obesity, smoking or lack of exercise are not the biggest threats to middle aged men, but isolation is, and it threatens their health. Their loneliness is linked to increased risk of cardiovascular disease, stroke, and Alzheimer’s. I started to wonder how active men slide into social isolation so I did a bit of investigating. What I discovered is certainly not true of all men, but the number experiencing isolation is increasing at a rate that is alarming to health professionals.

What I learned is that when men are in their thirties and forties, their high school and college buddies start taking a back burner to work and family. Male contacts become limited to those whose paths they accidentally cross while at work or in the locker room. Not nurturing friendships with men initiates their slow drift into social isolation. Their tendency is to have more casual relationships which are harder to maintain. According to a Boston Globe article, a contributing factor is a belief that talking about personal matters with other men is not manly.

Adding to their difficulties are changes in the job market that cause growing numbers of men to lose employment while in their fifties. In some cases, advancing technologies make their skills obsolete. Those employed in physically demanding jobs develop aches and pains as their bodies wear out. Without work, they feel rejected and marginalized and no longer needed. Years of focus on work left little time to develop hobbies, relationships, or for involvement in meaningful community activities. Not knowing how to occupy their time initiates a downward spiral that leads some to drink, take drugs or sit around the house all day watching sporting events.

To prevent this progression from happening, it is important to develop and maintain activities with other men. Bonding relationships need to be nurtured and strengthened over time. Unlike women, who can keep a friendship by simply talking on the phone, in general, men become closer when sharing activities. Hooking up with others to play cards, attend sporting events, or go hiking is more comfortable. Since childhood they have been taught not to show or talk about feelings. Relationship building, however, requires sharing and a willingness to show strong emotions. Men who avoid social isolation are those who overcome homophobic fears and make time for male companionship.

When women feel isolated they become lonely and depressed while men in a similar circumstances are more likely to become angry. A Psychology Today article notes that married women are lonelier than their husbands, but men feel lonelier when they are single. Makes one wonder about the reasons for marriage.

Since women tend to be more social and concerned about the quality of one-on-one relationships, they often maintain closer contacts outside of romantic ones. However, the links they have to other women are few and the label “friend’ is applied sparingly. Therefore, when a close relationship sours, it is felt deeply and its end is mourned for a long time. Though depression often follows, most women seek out someone with whom they can share their feelings.

Men react differently by staying silent and keeping their emotions bottled inside. Their feelings of alienation are lessened if their friendship group is dense. The group is their buffer to the loss of a close friend.

Being connected to others is a fundamental human need. According to AARP’s Loneliness Study, 42.6 million adults over age 45 suffer from chronic loneliness. 1/4th of the population lives alone. 1/2 are unmarried, and over the past half century the number of children per household has declined. Multi generation families no longer stay together. But the need for human contact is as strong as it ever was.

In order to avoid health pitfalls caused by isolation, society will have to give greater prioritization to human connectedness. It will help to start social skill training in elementary grades with programs continuing through high school. The medical profession can also help by encouraging their patients to maintain active social lives. Preparations for retirement should focus on social as well as financial well being. Community developers can play a major role by promoting shared social spaces that encourage gathering and interaction. Recreation centers, community gardens, tennis and bocce ball courts, community art centers should be within easy reach of everyone.

Social isolation is  a major public health threat in need of serious attention

References:

Khullar,D. (2016) How Social Isolation is Killing Us. The New York Times. retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/22/upshot/how%2Dsocial%2Disolation%2Dis%2Dkilling%2Dus.html

Ashbrook,T. (2017) Middle-Aged Men Need More Friends. On Point http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/08/22/middle-aged-men-need-more-friends

Green, M. (2017) The Terrible Price of Our Epidemic of Male Loneliness. The Good Men Project. retrieved from http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/08/22/middle-aged-men-need-more-friends

Asatruam.K. (2016) 3 Surprising Truths about Gender and Loneliness, Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201601/3-surprising-truths-about-gender-and-loneliness

American Psychological Association.( 2017) Social isolation, loneliness could be greater threat to public health than obesity. Science Daily. retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/08/170805165319.htm

Down Covered Baby Owl with Mother (sold)

Is an owl wise? According to western folklore, the owl is wise, silent and solitary. It is associated with lunar deities—symbols of wisdom. It is also the animal representation of Athena, Greek goddess of wisdom. In India, however, owls are considered dumb and foolish. They have a small brain for their size. It may be that their big eyes and a serious look make them appear smart. Their laser-like vision and excellent hearing allows them to easily catch prey.

Hope for Wisdom

“Between hope and despair, choose hope. It is harder to bear.” These words written by Boris Novak speak to me. They seem especially poignant in a time of discord when so many people wonder how to blend divergent view points. Hope. . .for wisdom.

All of my life I’ve dreamed, wished, and hoped. When I was young I hoped to get older quickly, when older, to feel younger. As I aged, I wanted to be wiser.

I didn’t have to do much to bring about my first wish. Birthdays marking the way were not under my control. Feeling younger was another story, one that required work. Exercise, turning away from ice cream sundaes and eliminating stress remain ongoing challenges.

But wisdom—that is my elusive hope. How does one go about becoming wise?

Wisdom has been defined as a process of integrating experience, knowledge, and good judgement. It involves accepting the uncertainties of life and knowing how how to make decisions that maintain a sense of balance. In general, wise people are optimistic, believing that life’s problems are solvable, and thus they are calm when faced with difficult decisions. They are able to see the big picture and to apply a sense of proportion to the situation. In other words, they have the ability to think.

ome think of philosophers as wise, in part, because they were the first to coin the name Philosophy that implies that they are smart thinkers. The word comes from Greek roots, philo-sophia, which means “a friend of wisdom. Philosophers supposedly practice their love of wisdom.

Men like Socrates, though, struggled with wisdom, believing that it starts with wondering about a topic and later admitting ignorance. Knowing the limits of knowledge is difficult. Socrates once said, “I do not think that I know what I do not know.” Socrates was humble and was aware that many of his beliefs were uncertain. Time might well prove them wrong. He thought true wisdom could only be only possessed by the gods, not human beings.

Despite Socrates nixing mortal wisdom, I still hope to become wiser with age and wondered how to go about doing so? Studying the attributes of those I consider  wise was my starting point. Each person I investigated was certainly well experienced. Some were old and others young but all were kind and insightful beyond their years.

Wise people are like sponges, soaking up lessons wherever they go. They also are able to see the obvious, that which is right in front of them, their relationships, and knowledge of their own mortality. They engage in mind games to balance self-interest with that of others and they look at both short and long-term perspectives. Wisdom brings with it the ability to adapt to changing situations and environments.

People who live long lives are survivors. They probably had to face one type of trauma or another at some time along the way but they didn’t succumb to their difficulties and become depressed, instead they grew from their situations. They relied unashamedly on the strong support network they previously assembled to help them through bad times.

Most of us see those who are wise as compassionate and tolerant of differences. They spend time seeking self-understanding which helps them recognize boundaries that separate their own biases from those of others. They accept that each person lives at the center of his or her own universe, realizing that individuals see, have goals and priorities, and make responses that vary from their own.

Having wisdom has many benefits besides the ability to make good decisions. Psychologists associate it with higher life satisfaction, better relationships, less depression and fewer negative feelings. Though not related to intelligence, it is related to a level of well-being. It is also interesting to note that wise actions can be influenced by relationships. People tend to be wiser among friends who help them see other perspectives—the big picture.

Now that I  put words to my desire for wisdom, it is up to me to be so. It will not be easy. Gathering facts, reflection and analysis of even the smallest decision. takes time. Judgements will have to include the impact my decision will have on others. Will my footprints contribute to the greater good?

If I hope to be wise, perhaps, like Socrates, acknowledging how little I know will be my first step.

References:
Brindle, B. (2018) 10 Wildly Wrong Animal stereotypes. How Stuff Works. retrieved from https://animals.howstuffworks.com/animal-facts/10-wildly-wrong-animal-stereotypes7.htm

Wisdom: 2018. All about Wisdom. Psychology Today, retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/wisdom

Westacott, E. (2017) Socratic Wisdom. Thought Co. retrieved from https://www.thoughtco.com/socratic-wisdom-2670665

Rusnell, Q. (2016) If Philosophy is literally the love of wisdom, then how do you define wisdom? Quora. retrieved from https://www.quora.com/If-Philosophy-is-literally-the-love-of-wisdom-then-how-do-you-define-wisdom

Pearson, C. (2014) 7 Secrets of Wise People ( And How to become one . . . Now) Huffpost. retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/08/wisdom-tips_n_5086606.html

Hammond, C. (2017) What is wisdom? And can you learn it? BBC. retrieved from http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20170124-how-to-be-wiser

EVA
Acrylic on Canvas/ 40” x 30″ / $599.00 USD

A tear rolls down her cheek as she wonders what the future has in store for her.

Five years to grieve?

Grief. It happens to us all at one time or another so we should not be surprised. People die, friends move, divorce occurs and accidents change lives. How we deal with grief is the challenge, for loss can be enormous and almost unbearable.

When my mother died in an automobile accident, I cried uncontrollably for days. Her death was so sudden and it took years before moments of intense sadness stretched into weeks and eventually months. Forty years later, I still miss her. Divorce affected me similarly, for it was also a death. I plunged into darkness and it was a good five years before I felt warmth in the light. In both cases, however, I continued living fully with the expectation that happiness would return one day to fill the empty pit in my gut.

When mass shootings occur, I grieve with the families for nothing can prepare a parent for the loss of a child. They must feel as though a piece of them has been taken away.

When a friend lost one of her twin babies shortly after his birth, she sank into a depression even though she hardly knew the child and still had one lefte to care for. Her psychologist aid that it was not unusual for grief to last five or more years and advised that she continue her activities until they once more came naturally.

Death of a close friend can be as devastating as losing a sibling. Feelings of abandonment, loneliness, fear and insecurity coalesce with sadness and grief. If the friend has shared life changing events with you, their loss can be so severe that it affects daily living. A roller coaster of emotions can give way to numbness and lack of energy. When a sibling dies, those remaining have to reorder their relationship with those still alive. Feeling a loss of innocence is common as is guilt for having survived.

When a grandparent dies, it may be the first time a chid encounters the death of someone significant. Intense surprise or shock may induce sadness, anger, rage, and a insecurity. Though the intensity of losing a grandparent or sibling may be great, oft times sympathy and caring offered by friends and family is inadequate for the grieving child’s need.

Sad emotions do not go away easily. Unfortunately, many supportive people distance themselves after being around a depressed person for a period of time. In many cultures, laws and customs push grieving people into new roles before they are ready. Religions and cultural groups, attempting to regulate the process are more likely to do so with widows than widowers.

According to my father, Jewish men are supposed to remarry at the end of a year of mourning. His friends began suggesting he do so even before my mother’s funeral was held. According to Jewish law, “The duty of marriage is discharged after the birth of a son and a daughter (Yeb. 61a). Still no man may live without a wife even after he has many children (ib.). Women are exempted from the duty of marriage, although, to avoid suspicion, they are advised not to remain single (ib. 65b; “Yad,” l.c. 2, 16; ib. Issure Biah, xxi. 26; Eben ha-‘Ezer, 1, 13; see Woman)”.

In the old days, when a man died without leaving children, his brother had to marry the widow. The custom was a way of insuring economic security. It is still the law in Israel today, though not always practiced. A woman and brother-in-law who choose not to marry are supposed to participate in a ceremony where the woman kneels, removes a special handmade shoe from the man’s foot, spit on the ground next to him and recite a verse that frees them from their obligation to marry.

Death does not always end the marriage. In India, for example, widowhood can mean a “social death.” Without a husband to support their children, widows lose their status and are consigned to the margins of society. In recent times, most countries have enacted laws to protect women but customs in religious groups may take precedence. Some Hindu women shave their heads, no longer wear a red dot theirr foreheads, and will not display jewelry. In the old days she was expected to walk barefoot. Thank goodness the custom to throw herself on her husband’s funeral pyre is outlawed.

In some third world countries such as Nigeria, a woman is expected to have sex with her brother-in-law or another male-designate after her husband’s death. This ritual cleaning by sex is supposed to ward off evil spirits and keep her children from suffering. Though most women find the practice repugnant, refusal can subject them to violence. They may be forced to drink water that the corpse has been washed in, confined indoors for up to a year, prohibited from washing their bodies for months, and be forced to sit naked on a mat, ritually crying and screaming at specific times, day and night.

Orthodox Christian women living in parts Russia, Czechoslovakia ,Greece, Italy and Spain customarily used to wear black for the remainder of their lives after losing a husband. Though this practice has mostly died out, there are Immigrants to the US who still don black as a show of devotion.

Christians often ask religious leaders if they stay married in heaven after death. The idea provides solace to those who have been in long time committed relationships. What I read says that a woman is free to marry if her husband dies. According to Jesus, in Luke 20:34-36, there are no marriages in heaven. Marriage is a legal contract and does not make it to heaven, for according to the bible, “marriages here are a foreshadowing of the event that is to come when we are joined together with Christ our God forever.”

Muslim customs can vary by community. According to Shykh Saalih al-Munajjid, after death the widow has to practice Iddah, and wait four months and ten days before remarrying. Husbands are instructed to bequeath a year’s worth of maintenance and residence in case of death. During the time of mourning a widow may not wear decorative clothes, apply kohl to her eyes, use perfume or sleep outside her house unless afraid for her own safety. She is still required to take care of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, children, etc. If a family member other than her husband dies then mourning lasts no more than three days.

Psychiatrists in the United States tell us that grieving is a process that is uniquely different for every individual. Grief tends to come in waves of emotions that move between anger, disbelief, sadness, and even happiness. Kubla-Ross, in her pioneer study of death, spoke of five stages to grief, not necessarily in a specific order. She mentions denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Sometimes grief leads to an untimely death of the remaining partner. Known as the widowhood effect, mortality rates are known to rise during the first three months of a spouse’s death. As one spouse’s health declines the surviving person may stop taking care of his or her own health and becomes ill as well. Men, over 50 are at greater risk than women, though income and wealth do make a difference. Without the support of family and friends, lifestyle habits tend to worsen. Men especially, eat poorly, forget to take medications, stop exercising and do not sleep well. They are less proactive than women in seeking solace.

I wrote this article because a number of my friends have recently lost loved ones and I want them to know that I am here to support them for as long as they need me. One thing I am trying to absorb as I age is patience, but I also know that those who dwell too long on their miseries find it hard to over come them. Making motions towards normalcy can be a difficult first step towards healing. Engaging in a cause, like gun control or raising money for cancer can also help with the healing process. It is a way of turning tragedy into a meaningful endeavor that will positively affect the next generation.

References

Schecter, S. & Greenstone,J. (1906) Marriage Laws. Jewish Encyclopedia. retrieved from http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/articles/10435-marriage-laws

Death and Dying (2018) Widows in Third World Nations. retrieved from website http://www.deathreference.com/Vi-Z/Widows-in-Third-World-Nations.html

A Voice in the Wilderness (2011) Marriage after Death: Can we be married forever. retrieved from https://heraldinthewilderness.wordpress.com/2011/05/03/marriage-after-death-can-we-be-married-forever/

Saalih al-Munajjid, M. (2018) Rulings on the mourning of a woman whose husband has died. Islam Question and Answer. Retrieved from https://islamqa.info/en/2628

Condolence (218) What are the Stages of Grief? Learning Center. Grief and Coping. retrieved from http://www.econdolence.com

Jegtvig,S (2013) Widowhood effect strongest during first three months. REUTERS. retrieved from https://www.reuters.com/article/us-widowhood-effect/widowhood-effect-strongest-during-first-three-months-idUSBRE9AD0VU20131114

Do comment below. Your thoughts are intersting and always welcome.

Art is always for sale. Please contact me at Marilynne@eichingerfineart.com.

 Delilah
Acrylic on Canvas/  30” by 24”/ gold Frame/ $ 750
What are her thoughts? What does she live for? When she looks in the mirror does she find her youth or only wrinkles?

Honored Citizen Pride

Shortly after my company sold, I spoke to a doctor about retirement.  I mentioned that I was worried that I would shrivel up and die within the year.  His response was a belly laugh and then, after wiping his eyes, he said that I wasn’t the type–I had too many interests outside of work. “But,” he continued, “some people do whither away.  Since they never had hobbies and spent little time developing friendships, they become couch potatoes, age quickly and poof—they’re gone.”

When still employed , I kept a to-do list on my desk that kept me organized. That habit did not stop with retirement.  Once the big decision was finalized,  I put together an exciting plan to carry me through the next several years.  I wanted to learn to write well and to improve my artistic abilities in order to share  thoughts, ideas, and yes—wisdom.   In order to become more accomplished, I knew it would mean hard work, for I had few years remaining to live.

I’ve had a hell of a life—ran two non- profit museums, founded a for-profit catalog company, raised five children,  loved eight grandkids, adopted a street youth, and traveled extensively. Why not share my good fortune with the next generation?  Perhaps I can keep a few young souls from making the same mistakes I made. I thought that if I passed on everything I  learned during my life-journey then they would have a head start to improving society.  I fear that in many ways, my peers and I failed.

Armed with this purpose, I vowed to become a better listener, act compassionately, speak judiciously, and spend more time with family and friends.   Then one day, several unhappy thoughts popped into my head.  Does anyone want to listen to an aging lady?  Is my advice welcome or seen as interference?

The young people I meet today are busily immersed in their own challenges, and don’t seem to mind making mistakes.  They want independence and to be allowed to fail, though they do relish encouragement to try again. They see the world through a slightly different lens than I do.  Yet, they act similarly to the way my son did when, at 15 months,  he learned to climb stairs.  Each time I put him at the bottom of our carpeted steps, he took the climb as a challenge and went at it with a vengeance.  There was no stopping him. He was determined  and single mindend as he climbed to the top over and over again, never fearful of falling.  When I went to take him to another place he cried so hard that we stayed put for almost an hour.  I turned him bottom first so he could climb down as well as up.  My hands were always in place, ready to catch him.

Perhaps the real test of wisdom, is not sharing what you know but rather creating  possibilities for others to discover on their own. It means stepping back into the shadows, yet remaining as an available safety net in case of a fall.  The same son, now and adult, recently told me that the reason he was able to take risks at work, was that he knew that neither his father nor I would let him starve or go homeless. We were a security blanket folded in the back of his mind that allowed him to soar.  Interestingly, our role was simply to witness and applaud his successes and commisurate with him about his failures.

Now adults, my children do not need me. They are independent, well launched, travel their own roads, and do so with gusto. Most have families to care for and don’t live nearby.  I am at the edge of their thoughts, and when we get togethers it is as companion and friend, not parent or teacher.

Since I don’t have to work, raise children, babysit grandkids, or even decorate the house, what keeps me ticking?  I like learning.  I don’t want to be a dinosaur stuck in the mud to be covered and fossilized.  Reading, thinking, traveling, analyzing, embracing change—and yes sharing ideas, especially when I get a response, give me energy.

Secondly, I like helping the young people I come in contact with achieve their own dreams.   What fascinating challenges they have as they move through a  technological, social media connected world and what wonderful enjoyment I derive from watching them!  It is hard to keep up with their comings and goings.  Lucky me.   I plod on, a little wiser—maybe, a bit more silent, always older and seeking the truth in all things.  ______________________________

Do share your thoughts about aging below.  There are many times when we are called on to rethink our purpose in life. What is yours?

Art is always for sale. Contact me at marilynne@eichingerfineart.com.

The Family in a Turkish Village is inspired by the work of Greg Hawthorn. It speaks to me of the energy it takes to join together physical, mental and spiritual parts of one’s being.
Acrylic on Canvas, 24” by 48”, Gold Frame, $ 690.00.

Bulking the Brain

Body, mind, and spirit are part of a health mantra chanted from coast that says, eat right, stay engaged, lower cholesterol, exercise, be mindful, and nourish your spirit. Be generous to body and find energy to meet daily challenges. Be generous to mind to improve mental and emotional heath, lower stress, and develop calmness. And, be generous to spirit to achieve a well lived life. . . one that has meaning.

This advice makes sense to most people, so why don’t they follow it? It is not difficult to dedicate 20 minutes a day to meditate as does my sister-in law, a most beautiful, composed woman who deals with trauma on a daily basis. Mindfulness enables her to answer a crisis hot line, one of the most stressful volunteer jobs.

Most of my friends exercise regularly, eat well and watch their sugar intake. After all, we live in the land of Nike, were raised with “Just do it,” and can afford to go to health clubs. So it surprised me when I read that Oregonians live in one of the most obese states in the nation. We are at the high end of the national
average where 40.2 percent of adults (40-59), 37 percent of those over 60, and 32.2 percent of younger adults are obese. I learned that among white men, those with higher incomes are more likely to be obese while the reverse is true among women. Though education does not seem to affect obesity in men it does in women where the better educated are less likely to be heavy than their less educated sisters.

Telling people to “Just do it” obviously does not work. Look at the map assembled by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention showing the prevalence of self-reported obesity among adults throughout our country.

After seeing this map I realized that changing health habits requires willpower and I was not sure where one finds it.

There are many studies that show the benefits that come from resisting temptation and having self-control. The first experiment in the U.S. was conducted in 1960 by Walter Mischel who recognized his smoking addiction and wondered what it would take to get over it. He offered four year olds the choice of a marshmallow that they could have immediately, or two if they could wait for 15 minutes. The treats were always visible and the child was told that she or he could ring a bell to call the experimenter back to end the torturous wait. Mischel tracked their performance into adulthood and found that those who could resist temptation had greater academic success, better health, and lower rates of marital separation. Even knowing this outcome, Mischel could not stop smoking. It wasn’t until he saw a man with lung cancer that he realized he was fooling himself. From then on, each time he reached for a cigarette he would create a picture in his mind of the sick man which helped change his craving.

Psychologist Denise Cummins says that willpower is like a muscle that gets stronger when exercised. “Use it or lose it” is her advice. People rarely want to change, yet to have a happy, successful life, willpower and self-control are essential. It is neither fun nor comfortable to change patterns for it necessitates breaking bad habits. It may mean establishing new relationships with friends and family. Beer buddies or coffee klatch friends may be difficult to be around if they don’t share your desire to lose weight and not to drink excessively.

Those who see that love ones to need to change, are almost always ineffective in getting them to do so. To make a lifestyle change, the person has to decide to please him or herself rather than someone else.

Developing willpower is an internal, conscious decision that has to be approached with caution. . . and that means not to overdoing it. When practicing a new life pattern, don’t berate yourself if there are times when you don’t follow through. Willpower grows over time and needs occasional recovery periods in-between.

The task, however, is a creative one that takes imagination. There are tricks that can be employed to help. Mindfulness can be useful to help divert craving and constantly thinking about the addiction. Imaging games such as the one used by Mischel to stop smoking are helpful. Imagining what you will eat after watching a movie or cleaning a closet also works. Studies have shown that those who delay gratification are in more control when they finally do eat or drink.

It does take practice to develop visualization and mindfulness skills. Meditation helps calm the brain but turning away from the desired object is faster and also works. It makes sense for an alcoholic to avoid going into a bar or an obese person from visiting an all-you-can-eat restaurant. On a recent cruise to the Caribbean, I watched grossly overweight people returning from a buffet with two full plates of food, baskets of bread and piled high desert plates and wondered if they really were prepared to gain 5 or more pounds on their vacation. If not, they might have been better off avoiding temptation by being served from a menu with more limited choices and serving portions.

Stress depletes willpower, while exercise, meditation, and knowledge are power tools to use to gain it. Whenever I interviewed new employees I asked them what they did when they were stressed at work. Everyone had an answer to my query. They knew what helped them get through difficult times and easily shared their stories. What I discovered, was that they often forgot to call on their inner resources when needed. Whether it is visualization, listening to music, or as I do, taking a ride in my car, it is important to take the time to go to your secret place rather than feed your addiction.

Acquiring willpower can actually be fun, though it is easy to wonder how can weight loss or exercise be enjoyable when the thought of it is painful. The practice becomes easier if pre-planning is done. For instance, attending cooking classes where healthy ingredients are used provides an enjoyable, social activity. Establishing a routine with friends to walk, jog, or exercise is a way to make time whizz by. Setting a schedule for meditation, not only builds brain-power, but lowers blood pressure, and improves focus, all outcomes that feel good.. My own experience as a meditator is simply that it makes me feel relaxed and leaves me with renewed energy.

Problems are a never ending part of human existence that brings excitement into life. If there are many, I am busy working to solve them but notice that when there are few, I get bored and will go out of my way to find a new challenge. How problems are approached and overcome is what makes each life special. Growth occurs to those willing to step on a path that engages them in healthy activities. It is a road that leads to weight reduction, improved stamina, and relaxation. The walk becomes increasingly enjoyable as posture improves, pounds are shed, self-esteem improves, and new clothes are worn with pride. Smiles and sensitivity to others spread as problems are put in their place and dealt with as entertaining challenges.

Sounds pretty good doesn’t it? After gaining weight this winter I think I’ll get me some willpower and self-control.

References:
Overweight and Obesity, Center for Disease Control and Prevention,2015, https://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/prevalence-maps.html

Cummins,Denise, How to Boost Your Willpower, 2013, Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/good-thinking/201306/how-boost-your-willpower

Konnikova, Maria, The Struggles of a Psychologist Sudying Self-Control, 2014, The New Yorker, http://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/struggles-psychologist-studying-self-control

Haederle, Michael, How Mindfulness Can Build Your Brain, Life Reimagined, https://lifereimagined.aarp.org/stories/29441-How-Mindfulness-Can-Build-Your-Brain