THE THREE SIRENS are friends from my youth without the wrinkles they have today.
When do you call a person your friend? The homeless boy my husband and I took into our house, considered any street kid he spent time with a friend, even if they had only interacted for an hour and the relationship didn’t last more than a day. When my elementary school grandchildren play with strangers on the playground or at the beach for the first time, they always introduce them by saying, “I made a new friend,” –not an acquaintance.
Years ago, a man in my chamber music group told me it takes twenty years to make a friend. Our group met weekly, went on picnics, and shared dinners. He abandoned my group after a year to join my husband’s bluegrass band. He and my husband developed a stronger bond than he did with me, but I still considered him a friend. When I moved to the west coast, our relationship ended. It didn’t survive the test of distance.
The Britannica describes friendship as enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. Emotional ties between friends have lasting implications. William Shakespeare defines a friend as “one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”
Unlike families and marriage partners, friendships are unique because they lack formal structure, and you choose to enter them. Having someone to talk to, to depend on, and to enjoy are critical components of a good life. And though friendships may dissolve as you age and circumstances change, having friends remain essential to your health and happiness.
Parents set the stage for relationship-building when their children are infants. Nursing and playing games like peek-a-boo establish emotional connections of intimacy and trust. A toddler who pats her brother when he scrapes his knee learns empathy and understanding of another’s feelings by imitating adult behavior. Early relationships developed in unstructured environments are the basis for the intimacy and trust required in adult friendship.
During adolescence, friendships are easily influenced by pop culture and kids in school. They are made close to home within the community. High school kids, more secure with who they are, deepen relationships with those who share their values and interests. With plenty of time to explore, most youths spend between ten and twenty-four hours a week cementing friendships.
The Atlantic Monthly reported that young adults socialize more than any other age group. The move to college puts them in a similarly dense social environment with friendships made on campus. Their friendship structure breaks up when they return home or move because of a job opportunity. During this period, twenty-year-olds spend most of their non-working hours with friends while pouring themselves into finding a mate.
The average age for marriage in the U.S. is 27 for women and 29 for men, with variations depending on the state. According to Pew Research, the share of married adults ages 25 to 54 fell from 67 percent in 1990 to 53 percent in 2019, while the share of those cohabiting more than doubled. However, that doesn’t make up for the fact that 38 percent of this age group are not partnered and living alone.
All over the world, people opt for a single life. To be happy without marriage, strong social relationships have to be maintained. A study of 270,000 people in 100 countries conducted by Michigan State University Professor William Chopic showed that meaningful relationships are a more significant indicator of health and happiness than familial relationships. This becomes even more so as people age. Singles have more friends and spend more time maintaining friendships than married people. This is especially true for women.
Married couples are so busy with jobs and family affairs that they spend less time with valued friends. An Oxford University study revealed that most people have an average of four to six close friends. The number is dropped by two when a new partner dominates their lives. The study concludes that “Love can lead to a smaller support network with one family member and one friend being pushed out to accommodate the new lover.” More friendly acquaintances are developed than deep friendships during this period of long work hours, children’s activities, and school functions.
By the time they retire, many are in the same position I was in, an empty nester who was friendless. Both times, after leaving the presidency at OMSI and selling my company, the following administrations expected me to walk away from the staff, board, and donors I had befriended. Employees were instructed to break off their association with me. This is a more common practice than you might imagine. Severing ties helps to transfer loyalty to the new management.
Retirement initiates another phase in the friendship cycle. Once again, there is time for relationship building. To reconnect with old friends and develop new ones, I joined a writer’s group and a non-fiction reading group, took pottery classes, and increased my involvement with the Unitarian Church. The internet helped me reestablish relationships with childhood friends.
My days are full, yet I remember the man who said it takes twenty years to make a friend. A University of Kansas study says it takes fifty hours to go from acquaintance to friend and more than two hundred hours to develop a close friend. New friendships are lovely, but they don’t provide the same comfort as the ones I’ve known for decades. We have a shared language that comes from listening to similar music, living through economic cycles, raising children simultaneously, and surviving social upheavals and wars. All it takes is a glance to know what they’re thinking.
With the advent of technology, it is easier to keep old relationships ticking. Liking friends on Facebook, sending birthday e-cards after receiving a popup reminder, and texting, can maintain closeness over decades. I’m happy to connect from time to time and will visit them if I am in town. The people I have a history with are in my dormant category. Active friendships are with the people I contact regularly. They are there for emotional support and know what’s happening in my life. These friends know my flaws yet still accept me.
Numerous studies show that humans benefit from relationships but don’t need to be coupled in a marriage or romantic partnership to be happy. In either case, it is essential to take extra care to maintain your close friendships and not let them fall through the cracks.
References:
Tiret, H. (2022) What is friendship? Michigan State University Extension. retrieved from https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/what-is-friendship
Zero to Three website. (2010) Tips on Helping Your Child Build Relationships. retrieved from https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/tips-on-helping-your-child-build-relationships
Beck, J.( 2015) How Friendships Change over Time. The Atlantic. retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/how-friendships-change-over-time-in-adulthood/411466/
Pew Research Center. (2021) Rising Share of U.S. Adults Are Living Without a Spouse or Partner. retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-share-of-u-s-adults-are-living-without-a-spouse-or-partner/
Kisley, E. (2019) The Impact of Friendships on Single and Married people. Psychology Today. retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-singlehood/201904/the-impact-friendships-single-and-married-people
Heckman R. (2018 )How to Make Friends? Study Reveals How Much Time it Takes. University of Kansas. retrieved from https://news.ku.edu/2018/03/06/study-reveals-number-hours-it-takes-make-friend
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