hope, love, health, together we survive
painted when my son was first diagnosed with cancer
Dealing with Bad News
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
attributed to Greek philosopher Epictetus.
None of us sails easily through life. At one time or another we will have to confront unpleasantries. It may be loss of a job, a natural disaster, divorce, illness or even death. How we deal with these occasions presents defining moments, and no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself, it will be difficult.
The first time I had to confront serious illness was when my son was diagnosed with Hodgkins disease. My initial reaction was visceral, a wildly beating heart, spiked adrenaline, sweaty hands and increased blood pressure. I then became angry. What I was hearing was not fair. “ Maybe the doctors have it wrong.” I thought. Luckily I knew enough not to drive a car immediately upon hearing the news, having once backed out of a doctor’s office into another vehicle after receiving a questionable test result. Taking a few deep breaths and waiting a half-hour calmed me down enough to participate with my husband in developing a plan of action. My original fight and flight response had worked well to motivate my next moves. The doctor continued by telling us that Hodgkins was a diagnosis for which there was a lot of research, and most people are fine after a grueling round of chemotherapy. We followed her directions, and fortunately all ended well for our son, though it had been difficult to sit in the waiting room during chemo sessions and speak to parents who were facing a less optimistic outcome. I became a supporter of the I Have a Wish Foundation.
Several years ago, when my own body rejected me, it came with a double whammy. The first news, a diagnosis of breast cancer, was later followed by words by my physician spoken at my final appointment. “You will not die of cancer, but you may die of heart failure because you have a leaky aortic valve. You need to see a cardiologist.” So, I went from one office visit to the next, and followed one surgery with another.
Throughout it all, though, I had the confidence of youth (at the age of sixty-eight). I felt healthy and did not believe anything bad would come of it. I laughed when my son presented me with a toy that mooed after a cow’s valve replaced my own. From that day on, I became more conscious of the need to appreciate each day as it comes, making the seconds of each day count. I also made a pact with myself to never worry twice. This meant, not to fret in anticipation of bad news, but to relax and get prepared for whatever the outcome.
How do I relax and keep my mind from racing? As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I am a meditator, and that helps— but not always. Another technique I use is to bury myself in reading a juicy, junkie book, one that I do not want to put down. When facing surgery the book goes with me until the last minute. I stop at a page that compels me to pick it up as soon as possible afterwards in order to discover the ending. Another remedy is to get the bad karma out of my body and on to canvas or in writing. The picture above was one I did when my son was first diagnosed. Once the news was delivered I immediately went to my studio to work it out in my mind.
There are those who employ prayer, perhaps even asking others to pray for them. They give their sorrows over to another entity and clear their body channels of pooled stress. They acknowledge that what will happen is not completely under their control, but on-the-other-hand they usually accept responsibility to confront and right the situation to the best of their ability. Step by step, little by little, friend with friend they progress on the path of living fully until the crisis is over.
Facing minor disasters, such as the tree that landed on my house, though not as critical as illness, is also stressful. In these situations, I have to slow down my go-go, get it done quickly attitude and work on patience. As I engage contractors and insurance agents, I look at it as a game to be played where worry has no place. “Overcoming ordinary problems is what makes life interesting,” I say to myself, “and practice in handling adversity with items that are not life threatening can help me learn to deal with more difficult situations. “
In the United States, we are fortunate not to be facing nightly bombing raids or mass executions like those that occur in Syria. Our run-of-the-mill life and death issues are expected as part of the cycle of life. One of the reasons family and friends are so important is that there are times when sharing bad news experiences not only provides practical information, but it helps you to realize that what you are going through is part of the human experience. It is important to remember that most people like to help others. It makes them feel good. So, when assistance is needed, the mask of I can do it myself has to come off and the cloak of good will by others must be worn with grace.
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