POWER OF LOVE: Observing aimless teens hanging out on street corners makes me wonder which ones will overcome their situation to have a productive, happy life and which ones won’t. If you’re like me, you do not enjoy homeless youths taking over neighborhood parks or begging for handouts while perched on sidewalks. If you’re like me, you cover your nose when descending stairwells in city-center parking garages that smell of urine. And, if you’re like me, you are intimidated when a gang of adolescents walk past making lewd gestures and shouting dirty words. 

Street-kids don’t want to be ignored. Hearing their cries for help is important, not only for their sake, but selfishly for mine. Yet, I am not sure how to do so. What if these teens are permanently damaged by having been in abusive situations? What if they’re just going through a phase? By my standards, they lack social values and the moral fiber necessary for living in a democratic society. The more I learned about them, however, the more interested I became in finding answers.

I soon discovered that much of their antisocial behavior is directed towards those they fear. This includes most adults, including  you and me. Growing up in a dysfunctional, abusive household leads them to distrust the very people who should be protecting them.  Antagonism is rarely aimed at their own peer group. Once they they run away from home, they follow a strict set of their  rules that embrace  street-life values. They care for instantly acquired friends by sharing food, cigarettes, drugs,  information and they adopt the strict code against “ratting.”  Though divisive behavior may result from a lack of parental love, they act thoughtfully when helping other youth. I see their kindness is a sign of hope, for with good counseling it is possible to transfer compassionate street behavior to the greater society.

I used to assume that love is instinctual and that every newborn will receive the parental attention it deserves. Without it, I reasoned, a helpless infant would be incapable of surviving. I know now that parental feelings of love and responsibility for newborns is not a given.  All too many parents neglect their offspring causing physical and psychological damage.  

Most of us were fortunate to grow up surrounded by affectionate parents and relatives who held us close. As adults, we transfer the love we received as children to partners with whom we form bonds based on trust and respect. But, what happens to children who are never caressed or told they are special? What are the long-term effects of not being touched or cuddled? What befalls those who are abandoned, left on doorsteps or placed in cribs in overcrowded houses where they’re not attended to when they cry for food or a diaper change? 

A cornerstone study about infant neglect began in the 1980s when Dr. Nathan Fox and colleagues from Harvard Medical School walked into an orphanage in Romania. Due to a newly passed ban on abortion, the number of orphaned babies in the country soared. Some 170,000 children were placed in 700 overcrowded facilities staffed with an insufficient number of caretakers. Though the orphanages were clean, the infants were emotionally neglected. They were left day and night in their cribs, to be changed on schedule and fed without being held. The nurseries were eerily quiet. Since crying infants were routinely ignored, it wasn’t long before they stopped making sounds. No attention—no cries—only silence. 

Dr. Fox followed the Romanian children for over fourteen years. Autistic-like behaviors such as head-banging and rocking were common during their early years.  As the children aged, their head circumferences stayed unusually small. They had difficulty paying attention and understanding what was going on around them. Over time, 50 percent of the children suffered from mental illness. Displaying poor impulse control, they became socially withdrawn, had problems coping and regulating emotions, and were handicapped by low self-esteem. They manifested pathological behaviors such as tics, tantrums, stealing and self- punishment. Intellectually, they functioned poorly, which caused them to have poor academic success. Those youngsters fortunate enough to be placed in a caring foster home before the age of two were able to rebound. But those who entered foster care at a later age were not as lucky. Most were permanently damaged. 

Another study of note was conducted between 1962 and 76 by the HighScope Perry Preschool Project, in conjunction with nurse-family practitioners focused on parenting practices in an African-American community in Michigan. The school operated an innovative program that included decision-making and problem-solving activities and allowed for physical movement throughout the day. Researchers were interested to see what would happen if caretakers were taught parenting skills through their involvement in the program. Parents were invited to participate in weekly visits that brought them into the education process. They were shown how to express love and reward good behavior. The study concluded that “without repeated acts of love, a child’s brain doesn’t make the growth hormone needed for proper mental and physical development.” Loveless children become permanently scarred. Their stress levels are high, setting the stage for elevated cholesterol, cardiovascular disease, metabolic syndromes and other conditions that pose serious health risks later in life.

Bullying is a subtle form of abuse that makes victims feel inadequate and humiliated. Most keep silent about the injustice done to them, not only because they fear reprisal but because they think they are no good. A bullied child subconsciously believes that if no one loves me, then how can I love myself?  He (or she) sees himself as undeserving and incapable of change.  Even after completing a well-executed task, a bullied child has difficulty feeling satisfied or accepting compliments. Parents who say “I can’t believe you would embarrass me like that,” or “You idiot! Who do you think you are?” hurt the child’s self-esteem. Bullying causes some children to act out by being cruel to animals, setting fires, taking drugs or simply withdrawing into themselves. Health can be affected by even small insults of shame and rejection.

A child’s well-being depends of having security and love. Thankfully, most families know that children need to reside in a safe welcoming environment that showers them with affection and kindness. Love helps them develop defense mechanisms that provide a buffer from illness, abuse and trauma. And it is love that sets the stage for healthy adult relationships.

This valentine’s day be thankful you were loved and are  able to share that love with others. It is a gift to give that should not to be squandered. Many unhappy events are surmounted when someone  reaches out to express their love and concern.  And, for those of you who have extra tenderness tucked away in your heart, consider mentoring a youth who is having a tough time. Your love can help this child blossom and it will make the world a better, kinder place for all. 

References:

Nelson, C. & Fox, N. & Zeanah, C. (2014) Romania’s Abandoned Children, Deprivation, Brain Development, and the Struggle for Recovery, Harvard University Press. 

Parks, G. (2000) The High/Scope Perry Preschool Project. U.S. Department of Justice; Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. retrieved from STUDY. Also found at www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/ojjdp/181725.pdf

Bergland, C. (2013) Parental Warmth is crucial for a Child’s Well-being. Psychology Today. retrieved from www.psychologytoday.com/ blog/the-athletes-way/201310/parental-warmth-is-crucial- child-s-well-being 

Weir, Ki. (2014). Lasting Effect of Love Deprivation. American Psychological Association, Vol.45. No.6. retrieved from www.apa.org/monitor/ 2014/06/neglect.aspx 

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